There was once a time that I considered myself a true gentleman. Not only that, but I thought I was a pretty darn good Christian too. (Even though I’ve been saved three different times. The third time was the charm – I think is what they say – but I haven’t found it anywhere in the Bible yet.) I went to church, and I thought Jesus was a pretty stand-up guy. I knew how to hold the door open for a lady, when to tell her she was beautiful, and when to spend an evening cuddling instead of seeing Die Hard 4.
But something wasn’t right. Women weren’t responding to my chivalry and respect, or my new-found belief system. In fact, they even got a little offended if we’d been seeing each other for a few months and “…you haven’t even tried to grab my ass, not once,” as one woman so delicately put it.
I didn’t want to grab her ass. I mean, I did. I certainly did. Don’t get me wrong. But not under the circumstances of 2 a.m., slurred words, and one foot off the front porch and through the front door. I didn’t understand. What crime had I committed? That next weekend I dutifully did as instructed. And I may have liked it. But I didn’t want it. Not like that.
Rewind to an evening with a few drinks and a pretty girl I’d met earlier that day. At the end of the night, last call, she asks, “So are we going back to your place or mine?”
I didn’t want that. I mean, I did. I did want to take her back to my place. But not right then. Not swimming in a few beers, and a developing problem where I thought I was going to explode if I didn’t take a piss every seven-and-a-half minutes.
Other men want this sort of offer from a woman, right?
Why didn’t I?
I wanted sex. But not like that. So why did she think I wanted it?
Because I am a man.
And the truth is we want to have sex.
But damn it, we want so. much. more.
Hollywood has lied to us.
And we are very pissed off about it.
Because the lie is good and easy to believe, and no man likes to be taken advantage of.
So we turn to pornography and strip clubs and Maxim magazine because it’s easier that way.
And the women around us, they start to believe that the only way they can get attention from men is to wear a little less and give a little more.
Pornography and magazines and movies have taught us as men that sex is what women are good for. And women know this. Instead of protecting themselves, women give themselves away. Because they think it’s what men want. It’s believed that sex is what keeps a man interested and around.
Too often I see women ending up trapped in relationships they don’t really want to be in because sex was introduced too soon. Every time you have sex, you give a piece of yourself away. You know this. You can feel it happening. So we stick around and continue to date people we shouldn’t be dating. We keep going back to them because we think we can get back what has been taken. And we keep going back until there is nothing left.
Real men do not want this.
Not like that.
So what do men want? I can’t necessarily speak for men everywhere because so many of us are complete tools. We often want sex first and first kisses second. I can’t speak for those men. But I can tell you to approach them with caution. (Can’t tell a tool from a gentleman? Does he drink from a funnel? Is he wearing anything by Ed Hardy?)
The women in Hollywood only exist in Hollywood. We want the real women in our lives. The ones with real personalities and real curves and real hearts.
The ones who live for the weekend – living in mini skirts, high heels, and make up – these women often set men off on a path of destruction. These women mimic the lie Hollywood feeds. As a woman, you cannot tell me the desires of your heart is to drink every weekend and sleep with the man who pays you the most attention simply because it feels good, and everyone is doing it.
And men, you cannot tell me that all you want is sex.
Women, you need to know that you are beautiful just the way God created you.
Your heart should be desired more than your body.
And your body is not the way to a man’s heart.
Giving all of yourself to a man before you are ready isn’t going to make him love you any more.
And men, if she is not your wife, she does not belong to you. She is not yours to take from.
Men want someone they can share their life with. I know the common man today is thought to be consumed with Xbox and fantasy football, and all the locations of Megan Fox’s tattoos. There are more desires on our hearts than that. Men love to bond. The very same woman we can’t stop thinking about in her underwear, we want to go see midnight showings of Harry Potter with. Men want to go rock climbing with you. We want to ride bikes with you. We want to play games with you. If we are history buffs, we want to tell you about the bloodiest battles of the Civil War, and have you ask questions. Does this mean you have to come to our reenactments? No. But give us a hand putting on that 300 lb wool coat, and tell us Brad Pitt couldn’t wear that jacket any better. We’re putty in your hands.
I met the woman I am dating on Twitter. Forget Match.com. Brevity is sexier. She lived in Ohio and I lived in Los Angeles. That was back in August of 2010. We met in person for the first time three months ago. I knew I loved her before we ever even occupied the same breathing space. Because we shared a love for reading and writing. We shared the same faith. Because I got to know her heart when knowing her body was not an option. The more we talked, the more attracted to her I became. The more we talked, the more I knew I didn’t want to live without her. She was confident, adventurous, and loved being a woman.
Men value a woman who values herself.
Who is proud of the body God has given her.
And knows what she wants do to with her life.
Women, it’s okay that you have curves. Men want that too. Be be proud of your bodies, and know that we’re not as attracted to super models who resemble fifteen-year-old boys with a smoking problems as Hollywood would make you believe.
If you are dating a man you keep trying to fix or change to suit your individual needs and desires, then you’re dating the wrong man.
You shouldn’t need him to get tattoos, change his hair, or squeeze into a pair of skinny jeans to be attracted to him.
Men do not want to change. We don’t want someone coming into our lives, telling us to pick our underwear up off the floor, and to get a haircut. We already lived with our mothers for eighteen years. And if we decide to change, we need that to be our decision. (But if you can surreptitiously guide us there, #win.)
We like to cuddle, but we also like some space on our side of the bed from time-to-time. If a man rolls away from you in the middle of the night, it doesn’t mean he stopped loving you.
Men want to impress women. This starts when we are in Kindergarten and it ends on our tombstones. Speak and respond to our masculinity. Let us impress you, and hand us that jar of pickles already.
And whether we are the computer geek, the athlete, the writer and bookworm; the painter, the architect, or the stay-at-home-dad, men want to be men. They want to be loved for who they are. Just like anyone else.
Follow me on Twitter: @maxdubinsky
Read more about what men want and how to be a gentleman by checking out The Gentleman’s Guide to Surviving the 21st Century exclusively from Make It MAD.
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